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Thursday, March 10, 2011

"Is This Real Life?"

I touched on the topic of separating reality from fantasy a little in my post about my shoot with Siouxie Sue and I think I would like to touch on it some more... touch it all over everywhere in all those extra sensitive areas and get deep inside myself... to understand my "reality" I might have to give you a tiny history lesson with some religion sprinkled on top. Don't worry this won't hurt like history in high school, it will hurt like your grandpa telling you about some history.

I was born into a Christian home. Christians believe all sex is bad. (I will touch on this topic latter, it's going to be so sacralicious!) I was so very repressed in so many ways. I had to educate myself on every topic of real life because there are no life lessons that make any sense in the Bible unless you want to hate yourself. Believe me, I hated myself for so long because I believed the Bible. Now that I don't believe in the Bible I love myself, Go figure! So since I had to deny myself for so long I need to be as fully myself as I possibly can for the rest of my life, to make up for lost time. And what IS fully myself? I am a living being made up of energy and matter and cells and water that has feelings and desires. Who am I without my feelings? What is knowledge without feelings? We would be robots without feelings. That's what Christians are trying to do, deny their "flesh". I don't deny my "flesh" anymore because I believe my flesh is my soul and my soul is my spirit and my spirit is my mind, it is all connected. So if I deny myself who am I but just a shell to be controlled by someone. I want to feel free. I also want to feel what it feels like to get tied up and my ass kicked by a bunch of ladies in high heals and then fuck them while I act like a puppy. Is this wrong, am I fucked up? No, it's just a fantasy.

Everyone has fantasies right? If we made those fantasies real would they be respectful to other people's boundaries? Would we be the same person? Would we be completely happy or completely dead? If I make my desire to have pain, abuse, submission, and attention a reality with out a conscious plan I think I would be a wreck. I think not being aware of these desires or fantasies I would act them out subconsciously and I would be unhealthy in so many ways. For instance, If I didn't "play" at being a sex slave in a dungeon getting the shit whipped out of me while I pleasured a dominant lady for hours what would I do with this desire? Would I suppress the desire and hate myself for all the shame about this desire and get involved in an abusive intimate relationship with a person who does not respect me and perpetuates the feelings of hate? I think if I don't act out my dreams and desires I will venture towards them subconsciously.
I think I can safely say people generally want to get what they want and I think everybody deserves what they want. But what if they want something that involves non-consent like rape, murder, bestiality, or sex with minors? I think if people do not talk about desires that involve non-consent they will eventually act them out in dangerous ways. But I think everyone deserves to "act" them out in concentual ways. If we seek help with these issues/fantasies/desires we can fully get our needs met and there will be no self hatred and no shame. Seeking help could mean going to a therapist and talking it out or this could mean going to a place like Fantasy Makers (This place is the bay area's Pandora's Box.) or a professional dominatrix and "acting" it out. If we can expel these feelings and ideas that are inside us we can truly be free. Think about how we were as kids, we were constantly pretending and acting out things. What is "pretend" but an other word for fantasy. Then we are all of a sudden supposed to grow up and stop pretending and live in the "real world". What is the real world but a bunch of adults acting out non-consent in power dynamics and how they think they are supposed to be. Who told us how we are supposed to be? God?
I have the desire for attention and that's one of the reasons I do porn, burlesque, and other performance. If I didn't I would probably be an annoying attention whore and show off, constantly reaching for people's approval and not knowing why... I know because I was the "class clown" and I was miserable until I started to perform. If I don't act out my desires and feelings who am I? Am I just a shell of a person who is trying to be "normal". What is normal anyway?! I don't like that word. I think humans, and other animals, are so afraid of the unknown that we created a word that means standard or the common type; usual; regular; natural; average; sane which in itself is impossible to actually "natural". Last time I checked every single thing that nature makes is totally different!!!

My "real life" is me being playful sometimes so that I don't have to try to be "normal" and I can be ME all the time. If my fantasy life and real life get confused and blurred I would not be healthy and sane because I would loose myself. If I give myself up to the fantasy, like christian people, I would be a robot. I am not a robot.

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