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Thursday, July 29, 2010

I Want To Be Inside You

I think I do a lot of "how" writing and not any "why". I think it is unhealthy to do something and not admit the real reasons why I am doing it. So here I go, I am going to tell you all my dirty little reasons why and you're going to sit there with your wide eyes all soaking it up and love it.
Performing in porn and on the stage in burlesque and circus is a way for me to express myself artistically, it is therapy, and most of all I want attention and acceptance. I want you to see who I am and not think I am hiding. I used to hide. I want you to be inspired to express yourself honestly and openly. I want you to not hide. It has been hard for me to get to a place where I can actually be myself so I want to scream it from the rooftops. If you want to listen or join in with the rooftop screaming great and if not I hope it's not too annoying, I'll get down soon.

In burlesque I pull a feeling I feel about something deep inside (my ass. Ha ha. Joking.) me and form it into a performance. I touche on gender roles and politics and my life experiences without talking. I can tell stories without words. I tell you about myself with movement, music, props and passion and you get to see parts of me that only art can tell. Sometimes when I watch a performance I tell myself "I can do better than that", or I ask myself "why didn't they do ___?" instead of critiquing on these things publicly I DO these things publicly. If I feel jealous I search inside the dark places inside my heart and feel out WHY I feel jealous and then I perform those things. Art is therapy.

In porn I fuck the way I want to see people fucking. I move as freely as I possibly can. I communicate with my sex partners directly and use safer sex. I want you to see it is hot to talk and use gloves, condoms, and lube with your sex partners. I used to have shame about being trans and I used to have shame about sex. I used to feel scared and frustrated about talking about sex and using protection was a hassle. It took me a while to get to this place of self love and now I need to pour it out on you. I use porn as activism. I want to tell you "you don't have to be ashamed about your body and the beautiful things it can do, so let's take care of it." As a kid I didn't have proper sex education and I think most kids have this same problem. Some kids look to porn for answers. There is a lot of porn out there that is teaching kids unhealthy sexual behaviors and I feel a need to put porn out there that can represent how I think safe healthy sex can be. I am not just fucking in porn I am telling you I love my body, I love everybody, and I want YOU to love your body so you can love everybody too. It's a total yummy bonus that I get to have sex with all types of hot strangers and hot friends and hot people!!! I probably would have never gotten to fuck all these amazing people if I wasn't in porn. Yeah, I might be a horny little slut, but I am a very picky little horny slut.

I am an exhibitionist because I want attention. I don't feed on it, I don't need it to survive, but I recognize the feeling that feels LIKE I need it. It is a way for me to feel accepted. I didn't feel accepted for most of my life. I am sure you can empathize with being on the outside or feeling excluded. I felt on the outside of the outsiders, the loozer to the loozers, the freak to the freak, so I became an amoeba. I morphed into whatever I thought people wanted me to be. I lost myself. I made a lot of excuses and had a lot of shame because I neglected my feelings and needs. When I found out I was hurting myself and others by not being real and feeling feelings it was the best discovery ever, like finding a billion dollars tax free, because hurting sucks and most of it goes away when I just BE ME! Sound clee-shay I know, but it works.
I believe that all humans are taught as children to thrive on attention. We are taught what bad attention is an good attention is from parents, peers, and teachers. We learn to get attention so that we can get our needs met from our parents. If we don't get attention we feel neglected. If we don't get "good" attention we seek out "bad" attention. I believe I don't really NEED attention but I was raised to think I do.

I perform to get the feeling that I think is a need met. I feel happy when you tell me you are inspired by my work. Even if you told me you hated my art and the way I fucked I would know that I touched a wound deep inside you and that is why you feel the need to tell me you hated it, or you just don't like it. Either way I would be receiving attention. Acceptance and attention makes me feel good so I want to bounce around fluidly and put color and vivid, raunchy displays of my sex and feelings about pop culture, politics, gender roles all over the world!!! SO ENJOY ME!

1 comment:

  1. Puck,

    This moved me because I have also often been on the outside throughout my young life, and have dealt with a lot of shame about my sexuality. It's actually really amazing for me to read this right now because I believe that I am on the brink of letting a lot of stuff go. So thank you for sharing this.

    - Christine